Diary of a sex worker: I don’t think I can stay off…
It’s been 15 days now…
The frustration is getting worse by the day. Can I really stay off?
Different questions and diverse scenarios keep swirling in my head. Yet this was me who stayed clean for the first 22 years of my life before the unspeakable happened. Now, at 23 and struggling with being celibate. One thing I’ve come to hold is that what you don’t know can’t kill you.
I could choose to hide under the past, however, no one but me is to be blamed for the aftermath. I chose to do it the second time and the subsequent times. To my defense though, the second time was due to desperation. I was out of options and was on the last week (two days to be precise) for tuition payment that semester and there was no help in sight. My parents were battling for survival and getting drowned in debts accrued due to my brother’s health.
Anyway, I said yes to the option of being paid to have sex with a man. Sigh, I’d rather forget the experience but maybe I will talk about it one day.
That second time opened the door to the others. I began to explore, Sometimes, just for sheer pleasure, sometimes, I get paid. Other times, it felt plain and empty. but still, it felt like a void kept expanding. The depth kept going on and on.
All these were what always led to the celibacy decisions I’ve made. I decided to do better for myself (like other times). I decided to go celibate again but this has to be one of the hardest times I’ve ever faced. Staying clean seems impossible. I’m running out of options. I don’t even know what to do. Maybe this is the “me” now. Maybe, I can’t stay off.
I’ve never done beyond 10 days before. Let’s see how it goes.
