Diary of a Sex Worker: The Unforgivable Prelude
I don’t like being alone. Being alone always dregs up the past. Memories I’ve worked so hard to keep locked up always threaten to burst out whenever I am alone.
Sigh
No one will believe I was once full of life. These days I forget I even have a dimple. It hasn’t seen the light of day in a long while. I think I might just let myself feel it all, and get buried in the weight of it all.
Martins was my closest friend. We practically grew up together. So, it was normal for me to feel safe with him. We attended the same secondary school, ‘and were in the same class, but different departments in senior secondary school. We even entered the same university in the same year, though mine was 5 years and his was 4 years.
We’ve been bonded hip to hip before time began. One would think we indulged in FWB at some point but we didn’t. We were just the greatest besties of all time. We had relationships of our own at some point. He started his escapades from our secondary school days. You can’t blame him, ladies lined up to give him gifts. I collected quite a few to help them put in a good word with him. We always had a good laugh about the entire situation every time it happened (which was almost every school day)
I had no idea when the switch happened
I had no idea he now saw me in a different light
I had no idea I had now become more of a female to him
I wish I had seen the signs. Sigh
It was a fateful evening that started like one of the many evenings we’ve spent together. Rain started and this brought back childhood memories which we reminisced on. We were playing as usual when I noticed something was different.
“Hey! What’s up with you?” I snapped.
“You are getting rough and it’s becoming scary.”
The look on his face is more intense. There’s this look I am seeing that sent chills down my spine. I knew this wasn’t my friend again.
I tried reaching out to him. I called his name. I reminded him of who I was.
But he just kept asking me to calm down.
Calm down?????!!!
You are pining me down, trying to force-kiss me. And you have the guts to ask me to calm down.
Looking back at it, I wonder why I didn’t scream. I think it’s due to a number of reasons:
- No one would believe he would hurt me because his neighbours believe that we are dating even after many rebuttals.
- No one would believe that it wasn’t consensual. Not in this society.
- How would I explain that my friend of over 20 years was about to rape me?
- How would I walk in the street without someone pointing at me with the description that would go along the lines of “That was the girl that got raped”
I tried thinking of what to do, what am I saying? I couldn’t think. I was crying and pleading. Sigh. He couldn’t hear me. He wasn’t my friend.
I lost my virginity to a friend that I once trusted.
I lost my dignity to to to to to…it’s still heart-wrenching as I’m penning down the whole ordeal.
Sigh
I need to snap out of this.
